Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
You Might Also Like
they split up moments later
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
i baked you a cake
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.