Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)