Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Wake me when AI does housework
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
They’re stuck in your pants?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.