Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
You Might Also Like
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭