My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.