papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.