Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
They did not miss in the small print
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
The Compass
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet