I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
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Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people