Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.