I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
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[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.