Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
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The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
girls literally only want one thing..
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.