“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
😏😏😏
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand