BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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United Steaks of America
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink