Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 馃槙
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I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
If they don鈥檛 want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine鈥rape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don鈥檛 love you, never have鈥ow drink your poison.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn鈥檛 that kind of tasting.
My son works part time at McDonald鈥檚 and did a shift today. I asked him, as it鈥檚 Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he鈥檚 adopted.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
not taking the vaccine in case there鈥檚 a U2 album in it
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber