The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!