dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did