parents: you are what you eat
kids:
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I’m calling the cops.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.