When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
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I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My last name is Zilla.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
i wish i could marry a nap
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.