So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
buys donuts instead
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach