Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.