Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.