No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
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I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
lmfao
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”