Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
You Might Also Like
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*