[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
welp
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture: