DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
You Might Also Like
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.