Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You Might Also Like
next question.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.