It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry