Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.