The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Guys, I found it.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!