cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.