You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
You Might Also Like
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Venn
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
¯_(ツ)_/¯