me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
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I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving