Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it