Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
saw this in a dream
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I cannot call her anything else now
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
no refunds
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.