This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
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Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Yup….perfect score!
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone