Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
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Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My brain is a bad influence on me
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
secret recipe
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray