microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
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One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default