[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
“I’m helping” 😅
Milk Cube
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*