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I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people