Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
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Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now