I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
What even happened today?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
When you’ve simply given up.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured