judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
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What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?