[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
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I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Clients after you give them your rates
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”