Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
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It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
water it, i dare you