Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
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MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.