This was my dad’s browser history.
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Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man