putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
You Might Also Like
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.