Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
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If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.