I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
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My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
adam and eve had first world problems
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels