Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
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courtroom exchange of the day
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.